• Lizzie Hessek

Personality Tests for People Who Hate Personality Tests

Updated: Aug 4


I can't tell you why people are obsessed with personality tests, and I certainly won't pretend to be immune to the fascination. In fact, I place a lot of stock in my different pseudo-scientific labels, and I probably place a lot of stock in yours, too. I just feel like we spend our whole lives trying to know ourselves, and it is so nice to have parameters to guide that search.


Maybe you are totally on board with personality tests. Maybe you think the whole thing is a bunch of horse shit. Whether you are currently sketching out your star chart to determine when Saturn is going to mess you up or whether you have no idea why Saturn is getting involved with this conversation - I am here to present you with two new personality tests that anyone can get behind - they are not based on the stars, they are not based on a long test, they are based on nothing but your understanding of yourself and the way you live in the world! Ready?


Human - Alien - Robot


The entire world can be categorized through a mix-and-match system of Human - Alien - Robot. The classification is about the way you interact with society and other people. It is based on absolutely nothing except the deep understanding that is somehow instinctual to everyone on Earth about the intrinsic qualities of humans, aliens, and robots.


Ok, every "type" has two parts. Here is the full list of possibilities:


All you have to do to determine your type is look inside yourself and pick out the two that feel right. Your dominant trait is stated first. Robot-Alien has stronger Robot qualities than Alien-Robot, for example.


How do you know what the types mean? I can't answer that for you! You just have to feel it. There is no explanation. It just is.


As I mentioned before, this classification is based on absolutely nothing; however, some substantial drunken conversations have taken place around the enlightened kitchen table of the Blue Mountain Center about the human-alien-robot trichotomy. There is consensus that the power of humans is their facility in creating and sustaining interpersonal connections. A clear sign of a "human" type is an easy empathy for others. Humans get people, and people get humans.


Aliens and Robots are a different story. Both Alien and Robots are fundamentally un-Human, and this is most evident in their difficulty connecting to Human experiences. They relate to humanity in different ways, though.


Robots are products of Human society. To some extent, they are uber-Humans: they are more organized, more productive, and more logical than Humans will ever be. Because they are a product of Human society, they can train themselves to identify Human emotions, but they will never truly understanding them. That's ok. They don't really want to. They don't need to.

Aliens, unlike Robots, are completely outside the confines of Human society. They are part of an entirely different culture that is looking in on Human existence and trying to understand. Aliens are almost the opposite of Robots - whereas the robot can mimic the traits of Humans without investing emotional energy into the act, the Alien puts forth a genuine desire to connect, but their efforts are fundamentally awkward and strange. While Aliens are often misunderstood, their power lies in helping Humans and Robots to open their minds to new ways of experiencing the world.


Are you totally over thinking about how you interact with people (Then you are probably a Robot type)? Then how about this test:


Horse - Bird - Muffin


The entire world can also be categorized as Horses, Birds, and Muffins, but this test is all about the physical energy you put into the world. You only get to choose one type in this personality test - there are no Horse-Birds. That would be crazy. You are either a Horse, a Bird, or a Muffin. Look inside yourself. You already know what you are.

Horses have a powerful, strong energy. They burst into the world. They are elegant and poised, but their elegance is forceful. Their poise is kinetic. You can feel the Horse's energy when the Horse is near you.

Birds move gracefully and lightly through the world, and their movements are marked with a delightful spontaneity. Birds harvest a potential energy - at any moment they can take off and leave you in awe of their swift release of energy.

Muffins don't move. But you know what? Everybody loves muffins. If you are a muffin, you know who you are, and you are beautiful.


I hope these tests help you understand yourself and the world you live in just a little bit better. I know they have helped this Human-Alien Horse understand the Human-Human Muffin she married a whole lot better.


#PersonalityTest #QueerMarthaAdvice

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© 2015 by Queer Martha

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