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  • Writer's pictureLizzie Hessek

Motherfucking Gourd Party: Fait Accompli

Updated: Aug 4, 2020

As we prance gleefully into the Christmas season and don our gay apparel, it is so easy to forget how enthusiastically we embraced the onslaught of pumpkin spice and decorative gourds only two months ago. How quickly the orange and yellow subsides to green and red....

Lest we forget too quickly, Queer Martha is here to remind you of the good ol' days - back in October and November - when you couldn't walk through your dining room without being whacked in the head by a motherfucking mutant squash.

A few weeks ago we revealed the fuscia monstrosity that was the motherfucking gourd dinner invitation (relive the magic here). Well, the party happened according to plan and our guests were out of their gourds with seasonal dishes (see what I did there?). Indeed, we turned this display of festive fall produce:

Into this insane and rather monochromatic buffet:

You might not know how much I love monochromatic meals. The fewer colors the better, that's what I always say. We had more people in our appartment than we could fit around our dining table, so making the motherfucking gourd party into a motherfucking buffet was key. We we able to get some movement in the apartment by placing the food table in the kitchen and the drink table in the salon. The drink table also easily transitioned into the dessert table after a couple of hours. The drink/dessert table was closer to were people were hanging out since drinks/desserts are more important. Also, look at that pumpkin punch bowl:

So what was featured in our gourd buffet, you ask? A whole bunch of Bon Appetit recipes. Bon Appetit doesn't screw around with gourd season, y'all. Here is a comprehensive list:

Butternut Squash, ricotta, and sage crostini

Gougeres (These are really easy cheese puffs that look super classy and I highly recommend making them all the time.)

Proscuitto-wrapped Pork Tenderloin roasted with apples and sage (cause you never finish an entire pack of herbs, so I threw sage in everything.)

Acorn squash tempura tacos

Farro with wild mushrooms and herbs (This was so good THE DAY AFTER)

Sauteed pears with bacon, walnuts, and mustard dressing

Winter squash agrodolce (This was too spicy for me to eat. I have no idea if it was good)

Apple sauce from Ayse!

Pumpkin pie macarons (This was my first time making macarons, and I was very proud. If you want to make pumpkin pie flavored macarons, use your favorite macaron recipe, and for the ganache melt a bunch of white chocolate in heavy cream over the stove, then blend in pumpkin puree and season the shit out of it.)

Jewish apple cake from Alysson!

To drink (served in mt beloved pumpkin bowl)

Pomegranate-cranberry-vodka punch Hot apple cider with rum

There are three things I really believe in when party set up is in question.

First is music. There should definitely be music. The music should not be louder nor more interesting than your guests' conversations. At our parties we inevitably start playing Lisa Loeb before the night is over, so I suppose I break my own rule since nothing is more interesting than Lisa Loeb.

Second is the lighting. Lighting changes everything. For this party we got red, yellow, orange, and purple lightbulbs so that the buffet table made you feel like you were a squirrel eating off the forest floor.

Third is levels. The buffet - be it a food buffet of a drink buffet - should always be displayed with dishes and decoration on different levels. If you don't have serving bowls with feet to lift your food up, just stick vases all over the place. Flowers do wonders. Also gourds. Never forget the power of gourds to enliven an otherwise mediocre dinner buffet. Look how into the levels Emily is here. She is zooming right into the macarons placed high above the other items on the table. Wow. It's like magic.

When all else fails, just dangle produce from your ceiling fan. Every so often turn the fan on so the produce spins around. Your guests' will be so concerned about not getting hit on the head with flying fruit and vegetables (Are gourds vegetables? Are they fruit? I did very little research on this.) that they won't have time to judge your spread. Tricks of the trade, my friends.

So it goes - the cornucopia of time closes on another motherfucking gourd season. And I am so freaking excited about freezing my face off as we jump headfirst into STEW SEASON.

#Gourds #Party #Fall #November #Buffet #Autumn #Harvest #Food

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